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"Two and a Half Men" (2003) > Memorable quotes
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"Two and a Half Men" (2003)
[Charlie has arranged a "play date" for Jake]
Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: OK
Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why?
Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.
Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.
Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
Judith: How was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Alan: Jake, go to your room.
Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room?
Alan: [turning to Jake] Now!
[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date]
Alan: That her?
[blows his nose]
Alan: I'm cured!
Alan: Hold on Mom,
[puts a hand over the phone]
Alan: Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: Mom, Charlie on board.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.
Alan: She just throw me out after ten years!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Sherri: [standing in the bedroom, wearing a negligee] You're unbelievable, Alan.
Alan: Now, that could be taken a number of ways...
Sherri: Get out!
Alan: No ambiguity there.
Charlie: [their mother just came to visit] So... to what do we owe the...
Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper: Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much.
Alan: And they weren't home?
Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn left her bra in Charlie's car] Now go get Mommy's bra.
[Charlie stands and pulls the bra out of his pocket. Pause]
Evelyn Harper: Oh, darling, that's just sick.
[Evelyn takes the bra. Starts to walk away, then turns back to Charlie]
Evelyn Harper: Seek help.
Judith: Now was that so hard?
Alan: No, actually, it was surprisingly easy.
[shuts door]
Alan: All I had to do was bend over and unclench.
Evelyn Harper: I need to find something black.
[for the funeral]
Charlie: I think your heart counts.
Jake: Hey uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it will hurt
Charlie: I don't know what.
Jake: A pool table ha ha ha ha that's funny because you wouldn't think of that.
Alan: There's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you Charlie
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to stand in line!
female psychiatrist: Do you want to talk about your relashionship problems?
Charlie: No.
female psychiatrist: Your father?
Charlie: Dead.
female psychiatrist: Your mother?
Charlie: She killed him.
female psychiatrist: Do you want to tell me about that?
Charlie: I just did!
Alan: In my entire life, my dog is the only person I've slept in the same bed with that didn't sue me for alimony!
Alan: Pretty flowers
Charlie: [sarcastically] Thanks
Alan: Wanna stick 'em somewhere?
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Charlie: The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.
Evelyn Harper: I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: OK
Evelyn Harper: Do you want to know why?
Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.
Charlie: Why don't you make like a hockey player, and get the puck out of here.
Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again, I don't want you to hate me, any more.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.
Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.
Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.
Judith: How was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.
Alan: Jake, go to your room.
Jake: If you're going to talk about sex, why don't you go to your own room?
Alan: [turning to Jake] Now!
[looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date]
Alan: That her?
[blows his nose]
Alan: I'm cured!
Alan: Hold on Mom,
[puts a hand over the phone]
Alan: Charlie, Mom says if she is ever comatose, she wants you to decided to pull the plug or not.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: Mom, Charlie on board.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.
Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.
Alan: She just throw me out after ten years!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman.
Sherri: [standing in the bedroom, wearing a negligee] You're unbelievable, Alan.
Alan: Now, that could be taken a number of ways...
Sherri: Get out!
Alan: No ambiguity there.
Charlie: [their mother just came to visit] So... to what do we owe the...
Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper: Well, I just felt like coming by to see some people who I love very much.
Alan: And they weren't home?
Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn left her bra in Charlie's car] Now go get Mommy's bra.
[Charlie stands and pulls the bra out of his pocket. Pause]
Evelyn Harper: Oh, darling, that's just sick.
[Evelyn takes the bra. Starts to walk away, then turns back to Charlie]
Evelyn Harper: Seek help.
Judith: Now was that so hard?
Alan: No, actually, it was surprisingly easy.
[shuts door]
Alan: All I had to do was bend over and unclench.
Evelyn Harper: I need to find something black.
[for the funeral]
Charlie: I think your heart counts.
Jake: Hey uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you it will hurt
Charlie: I don't know what.
Jake: A pool table ha ha ha ha that's funny because you wouldn't think of that.
Alan: There's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you Charlie
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to stand in line!
female psychiatrist: Do you want to talk about your relashionship problems?
Charlie: No.
female psychiatrist: Your father?
Charlie: Dead.
female psychiatrist: Your mother?
Charlie: She killed him.
female psychiatrist: Do you want to tell me about that?
Charlie: I just did!
Alan: In my entire life, my dog is the only person I've slept in the same bed with that didn't sue me for alimony!
Alan: Pretty flowers
Charlie: [sarcastically] Thanks
Alan: Wanna stick 'em somewhere?
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